Saturday, April 30, 2011

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.


Something I Hate About Myself...

I used to be nicknamed 'Smiley'. At the store where I worked at the time, people would come in and say, "It's so nice to see your smiling face! Even at 4am you are smiling!" At home, I had lots of energy to play and wrestle with the kids and we did it often. When I got home from work at a little after 7am, I would wake my oldest child up by taking a running start and pouncing on her in her bed. I laughed all the time....

For the last few years, however... this just isn't the way it is anymore.

It seems I have slowly lost my smile. I rarely, if ever, feel truly happy. I don't play.
I just don't 'feel' much of anything......
Maybe emptiness....
Mostly nothing.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment in time that I lost whatever it was that allowed me to feel excited or happy or playful. I just know that it isn't here anymore.

When I do smile, it feels forced and it does not reach my eyes. My eyes, all the time, look sad.
I have become very quiet. I don't speak much anymore. In essence, I am not very fun to be around. And on the rare occasion that someone or something makes me laugh, my family looks at me as if I have lost my mind. Which makes me self-conscious. So, I stop.

Yes, this is one thing that I absolutely hate about myself.

Today, I have planned an outing with the family. Well, the Man and the three boys, anyway. The girls have decided not to participate. We are going to spend the day at the park, have a cook-out, get out of the house, get some sunshine. Normally, I would love this. Well, a few years ago I would have. Today I would rather stay at home, alone. But, I'm going to go. I'm going to force myself to smile, take pictures of the boys having fun and hope that maybe just one time today a smile will reach my eyes.