This is a hard post to write because the person I have to forgive is so close to me and what I have to forgive them for is so fresh in my mind. There are actually quite a few people who came to mind for this post. It seems I have some work to do in the area of forgiveness. :(
For this post, however, I will use the situation that hurts the most and that I have to deal with on a daily basis. And that is the forgiveness of The Man and the fact that he spent a month with another woman not too long ago. Yes, I'm speaking of infidelity.
If you have ever gone through it, I am sure that you went through the same range of devastating emotions that I have been dealing with. It's not fun, nor is it pretty. And while I take responsibility for my own part in our relationship's difficulties, I never, ever would have crossed that line. And so I am having a hard time forgiving.
I know it wasn't a 'love affair', but that doesn't change the fact of the things that transpired between he and this other woman. I know that he has been doing everything possible to make it up to me, but that still does not erase the pain that his actions caused nor help me to 'forget' that it happened. And even though she has respected his wishes to never contact him again, she is constantly on my mind.
When this happens to a person, your entire being is brought into question. You can't help but to compare everything about what you do, say, think and feel to the other person with whom your S.O. has shared his most intimate self with. In my experience, it has pretty much destroyed my self-esteem and made me feel like less of a person.... less of a woman. Even though I did nothing wrong.
And, on top of all that, I have to deal with others' opinions on why I should have just thrown the whole relationship away and gone on with my life. From people who have never been in this type of situation or experienced the love that I have for this man and his love for me. I am made to feel stupid and ashamed for choosing to save our relationship and work on building it back into what it was meant to be instead of throwing it all away and wiping the dust off my feet.
It has been said to me that if he loved me that it wouldn't have happened, but I know that even when you love someone with your entire heart, you can and do make mistakes. And usually the people you love the most are the ones the ones you hurt the most with those mistakes. Some of the people telling me how stupid I am are ones who have hurt me just as deeply in other ways with actions and words of their own and yet, I forgave them.... I doubt they would consider me stupid for doing that.
And, so I am working on forgiveness every day lately. Because I know that I have made many mistakes and hurt others with them. And I know that nobody is perfect and that while I was yet a sinner, Jesus died for me in order that my sins may be forgiven. And he died for The Man, too.
So, yeah... There is my Day 4 post. *sighs*